Project Example | Adeela E
I have suffered from mental health for almost a decade now. I began self harming back in October 2009, I was like 11, turning 12. I later developed anxiety which started off slow but became worse over the years. I think my first depressive episode began at the end of year 9? I must have been 13 or something, or 14 I can't really remember. I began feeling suicidal in April 2014 and then attempted suicide in October/November 2014. Things were just so weird after that. My time at school and sixth form was literally HELL. But I somehow made it through. Last year in May 2017, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder - I have depressive episodes which last for different periods of time - as little as a minute to as long as a few days or even a week at my worst moments. You would think after so many years of battling with MH I would have learnt how to deal with it better but honestly, its no straight answer. What used to work for me a few years ago won't work for me now. That's also probably because what I used to do was pretty harmful anyway. That isn't to say I haven't made progress because I have become better than before - I just have a slightly different battle now. I think the last time I cut myself was maybe last year at some point? But that was because I had relapsed. I haven't been an active cutter for a while which I'm very proud of. It can be very hard to figure out what works and what won't work because sometimes there will be days when the things that work for me will literally be of no help. I remember a couple months ago when something like this happened. I had just started uni and I had been pretty busy for a week or so and the first day I had to myself where I was at home, I had a very bad depressive episode where all I wanted to do was sit and cry and all the worst thoughts were coming into my mind including suicide but of course I managed to put those voices at bay. Before that I tried working out which normally calms my mind and that didn't work so then I moved onto meditating which works the best but even that didn't help and I only felt more anxious after all that. I felt so lost and lonely and confused but then I decided I was going to indulge in some self care and believe me, it wasn't easy to do. So I got up, did a quick face mask, showered, grabbed some snacks and got into my mermaid blanket (which is honestly the most cosiest thing) and just binge watched a few episodes. Looking back, I realise it wasn't the most effective thing to do because I had just suppressed the emotion rather than face it full on and actually try and understand my trigger points and stuff. I'm working on that now - I'm trying to find out my triggers to help me avoid them or work at getting better with dealing with them. It's not an easy process at all but here goes!