Waking up one morning and being unable to get out of bed. Trying to force yourself out but that doesn't work because it feels like there's something holding you down or you have no life in your body. But no one understands, they just assume you're being lazy. You and I know that's not true. It takes everything for you to force yourself out and when you eventually do, you cringe at the words "see, that wasn't too hard" as if it's such an easy task on days like today. This alone drains all your energy. You don't want to continue with your day because you're feeling exhausted but how do you explain this to someone who doesn't understand?
Waking up early one morning in a great mood. You're the first one up, eating breakfast and enjoying yourself. You live in the moment and enjoy everything about your day. The runny eggs, the toast, the orange juice, the birds singing. You feel unstoppable and full of energy. You are ready to take on the day and do everything and anything. Walking past people, smiling. You forget that you had the most terrible day yesterday and continue on because today is a beautiful day. You complete the assignment that's due in. You've tidied the clutter in your space from your room to the kitchen. You feel cleansed, and de-stressed.
Evening comes, and you suddenly remember all the negatives things about yourself. Your flaws, how your body has stretch marks or too much hair or that fat that bulges out. You remember all the negative things that people whisper about you forgetting that they aren't true. You fall into that trap and everything once again feels like it’s spiraling out of control. Music to drown it out but the voices still ring in your head, almost like its inescapable. It’s now 4 A.M. and you are on the floor, tears streaming down your face, your body rocking back and forth. You're tired, exhausted, drained and you just want it to end.
We all wear masks because we want to look happy but how many of us are dying on the inside, crying late at night, unable to sleep. The things we love no longer interest us or make us happy. The world seems so dull, fragile. You're no longer living, just existing. Your body guiding your way whilst there's a battle raging in your head. Everything around us seems to be crumbling slowly. It's a battle getting out of bed, it's a battle getting into the shower, it's a battle going to work. All these things seem to drain you slowly, but definitely. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.
It’s not easy living inside your head. It’s probably the most terrifying place really. It starts off little by little, creeping its way slowly until it’s completely taken a hold of you. It always starts with the small things doesn't it? Those unfriendly remarks made by the ones close to you and when you come home, you're mocked and ridiculed. You're too fat or stupid or you're a failure. You slowly begin to pick yourself apart; your happy days seem to be long gone. The days begin to get longer and the nights even worse. The darkness begins to feel even more comforting.
Depression can hit in many forms, and many things can trigger it. A certain place, like school, college, work or a person; parent, friend, partner. Something someone may have said may trigger it or it may randomly creep on. Some people will go through a period of time depressed like a few weeks or months but then never feel depressed again. However, other people (like myself) suffer depression over various periods; it might last for a day, week, month, year; it will come and go at different intervals. It really isn't easy being trapped in your own head but there are things that you can do to deal with it more effectively. The description at the top is what (manic) depression can be like. It's not easy facing it sometimes.
The reason I wrote this is because I felt it necessary to explain to people who don't understand what manic depression or depression may be. To some, it's just an excuse or over exaggeration of being sad every now and again but that's really not true. I don't know what your thoughts may be when you're reading this but I hope I've given you all a more accurate outlook on depression. So please, when someone says to you they don't feel like going out or they can't get out of bed, be patient with them and talk to them! It's the worst thing to go through by yourself. If you have a feeling that someone you know is going through depression, talk to them, give them a safe space where they can openly talk to you about things that they've locked away in their hearts long ago and thrown the key away to. They feel like they are drowning and there isn't anything they can do that will make the pain go away. All they need is someone to hug them and to listen to them.
We all need a little love sometimes so check up on those around you. You never know the battles someone may be fighting alone at 3 A.M. or at 5 P.M. or how long or often these battles may be fought. It doesn't require much to check up on the people around us. Send a text saying good morning or bring them their favorite chocolate or just smile at someone. It's not easy knowing who may be depressed because the person who makes everyone laughs may be the one that goes home every night and cries themselves to sleep.
A little less judging and a lot more love.